HELLO!! IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE? Have you ever   felt like there was nobody out there who gave a damn about you???Well that is just about where i am at right now.It's not a good place to be ALONE. I know that there are my friends out there and i know that they love me but i just don't know how to stop feeling so lonely!~~~~~ With this chronic pain and the fact that it is helping tear apart my marriage doesn't help. There is not much i can do about the pain it is going to be with me the rest of my life and i have tried to learn to deal with it, but my husband of 24 years hasn't. He doesn't want to have a wife who is 'sick'. What hurts the  most his part of it is his fault. From those days when he used to beat me to hospitalization, i have neck and back pain. He knows that part of this is his fault and i think that is the only reason he is still here~~~GUILT~~~ i TRY so hard to pretend that the pain isn't there when he is home, he works out of town all week and only see him on the weekends. when he is home he is stuck on the computer playing poker.Maybe this is his way of dealing  with itbut while he is on the computer playing poker he is also IM with his xxxxxxxgirlfriend from highschool. she told him she is with someone for 13 years who has done alot for her and there is no way they could be together and now she is still sending him IM's (can't be traced} I don't know if she is teasing him...haha can't have thisor maybe???oh i just don't know. I have intervened the IM's as much as i can, this really hurts me to read these. i don't know why cuz she really only says things like."what no i love you today," or just things like that. It is hard to  say what all he has said to her about our life but i am sure if she knew the truth she wouldn't want him...or maybe she would???Maybe she likes that kind of stuff. Could it be that they are both aroused at the fact that they think they are being sneaky? i know that he calls her on the phone cuz some of the IM's say it was good talking to ya yesterday. Does her husband know what she is doing? I don't know who he is or anything about him except that they live in Nevada and we live in WY. See i guess she had to make a decision when they were like 16 her dad said NV with your family or stay with him and she chose her family. So to my hubby he thinks they were torn apart and there was nothing THEY could do about it. this is the story i am getting. I have also read some of the IM's that this girls~ other friend sends him telling him that this girls husband is a drug addict and he beats her..WELL JOIN THE CROWD HONEY MINE WAS THE SAME WAY. She, i am sure doesn't know that. LOVE AINT SUPPOSE TO HURT IS IT? I don't know cuz it's been so long since i have been loved the good kind of love. he thinks he can come home on weekends and if he wants sex he  gets it...guess what ...NOT HERE..i don't know who he has been with and he tells people that we are not together. i have to clean up after him and he is a pig let me tell you, a weekend of him home is like having 3 kids,for the weekend.

i have to thank God that i have my children who are grown now..18,22...they know what is going on and prefer to stay out of it and i don't blame them. i try real hard not to bring them in on it until things happen like my son is excited about something he bought to go hunting with his father and his father is on the computer playing poker and talking to his girlfriend and yells at him that he don't have time to listen to him right now he is in the middle of something. MIDDLE OF WHAT..gf or poker..REAL IMPORTANT, so i told him why don't you get HER off the computer so you can take a minute with your son who is so excited and wants to share something with his father. WAS THAT WRONG???I am so confused about this situation i have been going through this for a year or so (give or take) she showed up once in our lives when we were married about 4 years. Then she was gone. I got on the phone and told her this is the way it is. I can't do that now cuz I don't know the way it is right now. I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP OR WHAT we are supposed to be married not playing like we are. He asked me once 'what happend to the woman i married?' i replied, 'she probably left with the man i married!' Is this not true. People who are in love are suppose to grow together and i really thought we were headed down that path after this many years. Maybe it's me, maybe i took to much for granite. maybe i let myself get to relaxed with the way things were cuz i was so used to them.  arent we supposed to beable to trust and relax in a relationship? MAYBE NOT????MAYBE SO????

I am tired of this whole thing. I am planning on seeing a lawyer about spousal support. See he is my only sourse of income right now cuz i am having a hard time getting my SSI. At anytime he could just quit giving me money and where would i be? broke and homeless. But i am tired of doing things his way for that reason. So i am going to get some legal advice. I would think after giving him 241/2 years of my life he can't just walk out and expect me to die. I really think that he thought i would be dead by now. I sometimes get very sick with my COPD (lung disease) and it can be touch and go. So i think rather than deal with the situation he thought i would be dead and he wouldn't have to deal with it. SORRY HUNNY SHE BREATHS ON....Don't you think he should have to pay some kind of spousal support? I worked almost our whole married life give or take 4-5 years. I don't know what to do so...i will do the next best thing 'find out what my options are'.

GIVE ME AN IDEA IF YOU THINK I AM RIGHT OR I AM WRONG!!!!

ANGEL

 Well i have been checking his IM's and i feel like a criminal..I don't usually look into personal   stuff even if he is my husband of  24+ years. I have only gone through his wallet 2 times in 24 years and that is just the way i am. But she is with some guy that for the last 13 years she says he has loved and treated her so good. The more i read the emails and IM's from others and her it doesn't sound like he is a very nice guy. I don't know what to think any more. I have been taking it one day at a time and my husband has been treating me good so I can't complain. I think he has got it into his head that she is with HIM**her sig. other....and he has told her it is her call..If she wants to leave him and be with husband i feel like i have lost. Kinda personal but we have had sex for the last 5 weeks or so (weekends when he is home) and it just kills me considering we hadn't had it for over a year other than me giving oral. But i fake all the way through it, if he only knew the moans and groans are from pain not pleasure SOMETIMES...i know that to some of you it sounds   like i am stupid and i know that you would go on with your life and FUCK him. But i just can't even think of him NOT in my life. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO??? Am i doing it right ..one day at a time..??or should i go on with my life?????I started this friend finder stuff and i am so embarrassed of my looks cuz my dentures don't fit right and sometimes it looks like i have no teeth....I am going to do something about that soon cuz he finally got us dental insurance. If i could just fix that, i don't really care cuz i know that i have a good body and i am proud of that!!! !!!!! I may be 46 years old but even my daughter tells me "Mom u look really good" she fortunaetly takes after me...

   SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS B*&(&?????SHE IS AN OLD TIME LOVER FROM YEARS AGO. Do i just let time take it's course???? WHAT????? I hate her and i don't even know her. She knows how long we have been married and she is taking advantage of their past but she is teasing him. But also knows she has a back up if something happends between her and her sig. other....i don't know if they are married or not. Of course i don't' really know what he has told her. WHAT TO DOWHAT HAS HE SAID????

I have the unfortunate problem of having chronic pain and sometimes it is not so easy for me to do things that most people would do. FOR BETTER OR WORSE, RICHER OR POORER,   SICKNESS AND HEALTH...DEATH DO WE PART...  Does this mean anything to him??? I have the privelage of deleting any IM'S that she sends during the day while he is at work cuz i know how to get into his mail and site. Is this pathetic???am i acting like a child???I love my husband even though we have gone through so much together and some of the times were pretty hard, expecially when he was physically beating me for 8 years and i still go through the mental abuse...ANY IDEAS? Am i being STUPID????I don't know One Day at a Time....????? i got onto a game site the other day and this guy IM'ed me and I had him so hot that the only thing he could type towards the end was oooooooooooooooooooooooo...I had such a good time and it gave me a positive attitude that i ain't that bad. He says he likes   older   more   experienced women and he thanked me and went to work...WHAT FUN!! I have tried to get on other sites , you know just to play around but this is the first time this happend and i really enjoyed myself...WRONG???? I THINK NOT!!!

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!!! AM I BEING CHILDISH??? WHAT TO DO???

ANGEL  XXXXOOOO

 I am not doing so well....I talked to my husband of 24 years about our relationship, last weekend. I don't know why it is all of a sudden hitting me so hard but it is. We haven't really had a realtionship for over a year, ya we talk and we don't fight much cuz i ain't much of a fighter. He has been in contact with his girlfriend from highschool. Let me tell you that he is going to be 49 this Dec. Well i just found out when i accidentally (on purpose) got into his emails and their was an IM, for those of you that heard about the first one this is another one. This time it tells that she is so excited about this trip, and asked if he was going to be there. Well let me say that he would do anything for this girl, he doesn't even know her. I mean 16/17 to 49 is alot of years. but they had been in contact by IM for awhile until i accidentally (on purpose) got into his internet and found an IM that said she was so in love with her 13 year relationship and it would be the last time she would be writing to him.. When i got out of his internet the IM deleted. I thought i was doing something good (for me) she didn't contact him for awhile and now his brother passed away and they all of a sudden have this relationship again. I log on to his internet again today to find yet another IM that said she was so excited about this trip and was he going to be there.

My son and husband work together and all of a sudden my husband is going to rent a car to get home instead of driving with my son. This is what made me think "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON" Low and behold i get on his internet today and there is that IM from this BITCH that has a family and is wrecking mine. We actually had started getting things together and along she comes. I don't want to piss of my husband and email her because i know that he cares so much about her. Let me put it to you this way, I had never even heard the name except my husbands aunt and when i gave birth to my daughter i picked her first name and he got to pick the middle name and when i found out 2 years later that he named her after his xxxxxgirlfriend, it almost killed me. and here she is 16 years later showing up in my life and being the homewrecker that she is.

I don't know what to do i have been crying all day and it won't seem to stop. I love my husband no matter what we have been through (and that's alot in 24 years). I don't need her coming in and breaking it up. I am not going to reveiw this cuz i know i won't send it so....................

WHAT WOULD YOU DO???????  WHAT SHOULD I DO????????

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!  

    Taking this trip to Las Vegas to see my mom seemed like a life time. I originally went to stay for a month cuz i really miss my mom and i hadn't seen her in over a year. I planned this out for 2 months and i was so excited when the time came to go. I had to figure out how i was going to get my oxygen machine from WY to NV, i got lucky cuz my daughter and   daughter in-law both took me down in my daughters car. They wouldn't let me take it on the bus or a plane. My tanks would have been easy either way but i have to have the big machine at night cuz the tanks don't last that long, and i use it during the day unless i am going out then i take a tank. Anyway, I finally arrived and i was so excited. We have our favorite casino called the Emerald Island, it's all pennies. Let's just say that we were there enough that they got to know me by my first name. My mom goes there all the time so they already knew her. I met one of the managers there and he is so cute and after i got back home he gave my mom his email address so i   could write to him. My mom says he's married but is it wrong to be a friend?Well one of the big surprises that i got when i arrived was that my mom was BROKE. Well that was okay cuz i had saved up over $1,000 to take for the month. MAN WAS I WRONGTHAT might have been okay for me but i didn't know that i would be supporting the both of us. So need i say more that a thousand dollars doesn't go far in Vegas between 2 people. I got lucky cuz my husband showed some kindness and send me $300.00 a week. Split in two is $150. I had to buy me cigs and her cigs, me food and her food, me gamble her gamble. I don't know why and maybe i am wrong but i would have thought she would have saved a little something for the month. WRONG. And she always gave me that 'poor me' look when i went to buy something. OK lets just say the money issues was very stressful. I like to play BINGO too. and she would rather be playing slots. SORRY i am playing bingo , you are playing bingo. It is only an hour long and it is alot cheaper for that hour then putting money in the slots. Don't get me wrong I love slots too. But every time i won she expected me to split with her and so i told her visa versa. I love my mom but it just irritated me that she was hiding her winnings and taking half of mine. OH well It's Just MOney RIGHT???WE had a really good time together and i am glad that i went. I don't know what i would do without my mom. Oh by the way i ended up leaving there owing her $100. Don't even ask me how but i did. 300x4=1200+1000=$2200 for one month that i spent on us and i had to stay 2 extra weeks cuz i couldn't get anyone to pick me up. So i guess you can add 600 to that. OK but i owe her $100.00. You know what .....Big Deal.....It's my mother. My father passed 2 years ago, it kind of scares me cuz i spent a month at my mom and dads to spend time with my dad who  i never got to talk to much and we didn't gamble cuz he isn't a gambler any way (well maybe a little) He passed away 5 months later. So i pray every night that this will not happen with my mother.  Anyway we did alot of talking and catching up, It felt great no matter how much money it cost. I got to spend some time with my half-sister and her family and that was great, i got to know her alot better and she was a whole different person than i thought she would be. I didn't meet her until about 6 years ago or so....It was my dads daughter from his first marraige. While i was there i had some down falls right after i arrived we got a call that my Aunt had passed away, (massive stroke), just before i left my cousin passed (still ain't sure about that things are a little iffy) My mom and i went to visit him as we did everyday and this time they had gone and done exploritory surgery   and when we saw him he looked awful, He couldn't respond he was on life support, the day before he was sitting up and talking, i let him know that it was ok to let go and be with his life time partner Gary who had passed away 2 years ago, THe nurse gave him a shot and all of a sudden his breathing was slower and calmer and he seemed so relaxed. I found out it was morphine. After we left we got home and got a call that he had passed away 10 minutes after we left the hospital, that was a pretty hard pill to swallow. If that wasn't enough my husband picked me up in Mesquite NV and on the way back home he gets a phone call and he is told to pull over and   his sister tells him that his brother had committed suicide. OK....THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME. IT COMES IN THREE'S , I AM DONE FOR AWHILE RIGHT???

I am so happy to be home, I never thought that i would get homesick, but i did. I missed every minute of my boring life of couch potato/tv person. It keeps me off my feet which i am not supposed to be on in the first place. I am a little sick right now but GLAD TO BE HOME...Hope to hear from you all soon.

                                                             
                                                              ANGEL

: Womanly stuff >> >> WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST >> >>                                              She's sitting at the table with her gourmet >> coffee. >> Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. >> Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. >> Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. >> And her husband is on the back of the milk >> carton. >> >> >>                              WOMEN'S REVENGE >>                                                           Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after >> Folding    items the woman wished to purchase. >> As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a >> remote control for a television set in her purse. >> "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I >> asked. >> "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to >> come shopping with me, >> and I figured this was the most evil thing I >> could do to him legally." >> >>                                                                                                                                                               UNDERSTANDING WOMEN >> (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) >> >> I know I'm not going to understand women. >> I'll never understand how you can take boiling >> hot wax, >> pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair >> out by the root, >> and still be afraid of a spider. >> >> >>                               MARRIAGE SEMINAR >> >> While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing >> with communication, >> Tom and his wife Grace listened to the >> instructor, >> "It is essential that husbands and wives know >> each other's likes and dislikes." >> He addressed the man, >> "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" >> Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently >> and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? >>  CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS >> >> A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & >> down the aisles. >> The sales girl notices him and asks him if she >> can help him. >> He answers that he is looking for a box of >> tampons for his wife. >> She directs him down the correct aisle. >> A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of >> cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. >> She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were >> looking for some tampons for your wife? >> He answers, "You see, it's like this, >> yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a >> carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a t in >> of tobacco >> and some rolling papers; cause it's >> sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. >> So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so >> does she. >> (I figure this guy is the one on the milk >> carton!) >> >> WIFE VS. HUSBAND >> >> A couple drove down a country road for several >> miles, not saying a word. >> An earlier discussion had led to an argument >> and >> neither of them wanted to concede their >> position. >> As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and >> pigs, >> the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of >> yours?" >> "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." >> >    >> WORDS >>                 >> A husband read an article to his wife about >> how many words women use a day... >> 30,000 to a man's 15,000. >> The wife replied, "The reason has to be >> because we have to repeat everything to men... >> The husband then turned to his wife an d >> asked, "What?" >> >>           CREATION >> >> A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know >> how you can be >> so stupid and so beautiful all at the same >> time." >> The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. >> God made me beautiful so you would be >> attracted to me; >> God made me stupid so I would be attracted to >> you ! >> >>                     WHO DOES WHAT >> A man and his wife were having an argument >> about who >> should brew the coffee each morning. >> The wife said, "You should do it because you >> get up first, >> and then we don't have to wait as long to get >> our coffee. >> The husband said, "You are in charge of >> cooking around here and >> you should do it, because that is your job, >> and I can just wait for my coffee." >> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and >> besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do >> the coffee." >> Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show >> me." >> So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New >> Testament and showed him at th e top of several >> pages, that it indeed says ....... "HEBREWS" >> >> >> The Silent Treatment >> A man and his wife were having some problems >> at home >> and were giving each other the silent >> treatment. >> Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, >> he would need his wife to wake him >> at 5:00 AM for an early morning business >> flight. >> Not wanting to be the first to break the >> silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, >> "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where >> he knew she would find it. >> The next morning, the man woke up, only y to >> discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his >> flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his >> wife hadn't wakened h im, >> when he n oticed a piece of paper by the bed. >> The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." >> Men are not equipped for these kinds of >> contests. >> >> God may have created man before woman, but >> there is always a rough draft before the >> masterpiece. >> >> SHARE THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND >> TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!